Though Larry David never brought this particular social situation to the screen, I have always thought that the following would’ve fit nicely in an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. It’s about the bathroom, but that’s cool cause the bathroom has always been a cornerstone of Curb’s charm. So, true to Larry’s process, here is an outline of how the scene should go – but without LD and his accompli to help out, the improvisation will be left up to our imaginations.
Scene 1, background:
Early in the episode, Larry gets into a typically heated confrontation with Wanda Sykes. Wanda was telling Cheryl that she was recently forced to use a public restroom to “you know… do my business” after eating something untrustworthy. In overhearing their conversation, Larry loudly expresses his disgust – not only in regards to having to hear Wanda talk about using the bathroom, but also over the fact that Wanda used a public bathroom for anything more involved than peeing.
Larry claims to never “do business of the second kind in enemy territory,” stating that he “under no circumstances would not be able to hold it until he got home”, and referring to himself as “a remarkably accomplished holder.”
Wanda gets angry at Larry for implying that “his skinny ass is too gentle to sit on anything but a Seinfeld throne”, and also refuses to believe that Larry never shits outside of his home. The argument ends without resolution.
Later on at Ted Danson’s house, at a party that Ted is throwing for a visiting eastern-bloc Nobel Peace Prize Winner, Larry leaves a conversation with Jeff to go pee.
When Larry gets to the bathroom he finds it already in use, and he waits briefly. The door opens and a man comes out of the bathroom – followed by an overwhelming shit-smell. Larry’s face twists, and he begins to exclaim as he enters the bathroom.
Larry pees while tortured by the smell, and he tries to cover his nose with various body contortions: one arm up, other arm up, shoulders scrunched, shirt over the nose, etc. Larry finishes and washes his hands, still horrified, and then he leaves the bathroom.
When he opens the door, Wanda is standing there waiting in line to go next. She starts to acknowledge LD, but before she finishes the smell of the bathroom hits her: “Heyy Lar – oh god damn Larry!”
Larry immediately realizes that Wanda thinks him to be responsible for the disgusting smell, which furthermore implicates him in an earlier lie. Larry begins to protest.
Larry: Wait a minute, I know what you think you're smelling, that wasn’t me!
Wanda: I knew that you were full of shit, Larry! Accomplished holder my ass!
Larry argues that he is a holder and always has been a holder – in particular a dinner party holder.
They continue to argue. Wanda begins to walk away. Larry tries to explain, he blames a “Second Shooter”.
Larry claims that he is a patsy, taking the fall for another man’s crime, that there “was another man on that hill”. Wanda is not buying it.
Larry then sees the true perpetrator.
Larry: There! Him!
Larry approaches the man: Tell her! Tell her that you were the one that took that nasty shit – it was you that stunk it up well before I ever even got there!
The whole party is watching, Larry continues to single out and draw attention to the man until Cheryl interrupts.
She mimes for Larry to look at the man’s nametag.
The camera follows her point, zooming in on the nametag of the Second Shooter: it’s the Nobel winner and guest of honor.
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