I saw a headline the other day (“good for you, loser”): I didn’t end up reading the article but it was about how the Tour de France champ Alberto Contador had tested positive for ‘roidin dirty. He said that it was probably something he ate – which by the way is an excuse appropriate for a dude with bad smelling farts, not a Tour de France champion.
The Contador fuck-up got me re-thinking about Lance Armstrong though: how did Lance never get caught for using steroids?
Because it’s pretty (the) clear by now that Lance had his doping game going. For a guy who never made significant waves at a tour to come back from cancer and smoke out 7 times in a row (!) the best cyclists in the world who were all doped out of their minds.. – I mean let’s be real.
Defenders say though that Lance’s success can be explained by shit like Lance’s thighbone to height ratio: a simple combination of once-in-a-generation genetics and fierce determination. I'm like: determination can only get you so far, kids; steroids on the other hand… shiit, the record books have proven to be no ceiling.
But how did Lance never get caught? As made abundantly “the clear” by “the cream” of our generation’s athletes who have gotten caught, people who use steroids and are really successful always get caught. It’s like gchatting at work – no matter how sneaky you are, eventually your boss is going to see that goddamn orange “blonk!”ing.
But Lance kept it close. He was one of the most tested athletes in history and never tested positive. So, how did he do it?? It’s an illusion, Michael, and Lance lived that shit up.
Have you ever seen The Prestige? In it, Christian Bale has this crazy ass magic trick where he disappears on one side of the stage and reappears on the other side mad quickly. Is it teleportation? “that’s impossible.” A look alike? “no, they look too identical”. Etc. Attempting to uncover the explanation drives fellow magician Hugh Jackman mad. It was a mystery almost bigger than why Aretha Franklin tells us to take out T,C,P from the “Respect” song. But thankfully for us (spoiler alert) the mystery is solved at the end of the movie when we learn that Christian Bale has a secret twin. They live the illusion. There are two of them and nobody else in the world knows - teleportation made easy.
See where I’m going with this?
Lance Armstrong has a secret twin – maybe his name is Chance.
Lance roids, rides and wins. Chance looks the part and takes the drug tests. Sometimes he gets to stand on the podium, yellow-jerseyed and pretending to be Lance.
Or did this all just happen in an episode of Sister, Sister? What do you think? Leave yer comment.