Friday, August 13, 2010

Angelina Jolie was the first "terror baby"

So, I wrote that post about how hollywood is always turning our current stressors into themes for apocalypse movies. Now it seems that the tables have turned -- with this terror baby nonsense, life imitates art (well not really art, just "Salt").

You've heard about it, the silly Gohmert/Riddle instigated conspiracy that anchors'll turn into terrorists. They want the anti-illegal immigration ante upped; apparently the public was not up in arms enough (which babies often are ironically (up in arms, get it)) about the threat of illegal babies simply being in the USA. Babies just hanging out, who cares really, it's just a baby. The only baby that ever scared me was that talking Michellin baby. That is until now. Since we didn't care enough that illegal-babies were taking up space, Gohmert and Riddle had to find some other way to make us care -- terror babies, deep-deep-REM-sleeper cells planted in the United States since birth to achieve maximum infiltration of the evil western empire.

They want us to think that if we are lax on babies, we are left more vulnerable than we are in the 15 second post-fart window, during which we can only hope that no one walks over to our corner of the room/cocktail party.

The idea is funny on its own - terror babies, it sounds like an awful youtube video that your friend makes you watch. It's even better though that the threat probably came out of Gohmert and Riddle's movie date to see "Salt". I'd say spoiler alert, but you wouldn't be that worried about a shitty McDonalds hamburger patty spoiling, would you?

Angelina was a terror baby, a russian-bred killer who rose up the ranks of the CIA only to reveal later in the movie that her real last name is Chenkov. (As an aside, in that we know that the role of Salt was originally meant to be played by a man, it's obvious that when they decided to go female with the part they were too lazy to change the name of the character. Chenkov? that's a male russian last name no doubt. In the movies, your last name has to be gender appropriate, just like your first name. Chenkov?? That's a proper name for one of those Die Hard twins, not Angelina Jolie.)

Riddle/Gohmert saw this all happening on screen and thought "Bingo was his name-oh", but ohhh how many squares you were missing. As a rule: a plot of a bad movie usually will turn into a worse political push.


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