Friday, March 12, 2010

How to survive hypothermia: "My macbook saved my life"


Ever since my first laptop, people have been telling me: "yo don't sit like that with it on your lap, you're burning up your sperm." And every time I'm like "male birth control for free man". Not true, I took sex ed and know that I can't burn them all up, but for all the laptoppin and hot tubbin that I do, I might as well be a war criminal, we all are. (on the side: it'll be wild when the pro-lifers strike out to ban laptops, so that that facebooking 16 year old girl doesn't overly preheat the egg intended for the messiah's comeback).

But like I said, I feel like people are always talking about the casualties of laptop heat, while never thinking about the other side of the pool: all the lives that the macbook heater has saved, or will save once people read this new survival guide: "how to survive hypothermia, use your macbook boii"

Imagine a worst case scenario where you are in a mountain hut that has one power outlet, but no heat, oven, or anything else. Right before going to sleep, you get into a fight with your girlfriend (you told her she "kind of has man-hands"), and she leaves for base camp with all of your clothes, and all of the blankets. you think to yourself: "daaamn, i might die of hypothermia up here"

Nah, you won't, as long as you listen up and don't panic. Take your macbook out of its incase resting sleeve, and open mad programs, I suggest a combination of word, powerpoint, and any of them adobe products. Give it half an hour just like you would an herbal essences shower, and your computer will be hotter than the summer time wearing mink. Now, place the computer on your chest cause core temp is important, lay back, check your RSS feeds, and maybe find a new girlfriend on wondermatch.com while you wait for the mounties to come save you.

Addendum: If you're still cold after following the above steps, put your iPhone on your nuts.

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